march 29 2018

Words don’t convey the reality of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I could say I feel a constant weight on my chest, the weight of my life, but it would not truly describe the actual physical pain, the actual physical ache that comes with deep despair. I could say, when I am at work I […]

H Δ P P Y

To me, music is the most incredible thing in the world. It’s the highest achievement we have ever made as human beings. Here is some music that I have been listening to : H Δ P P Y

HOW TO DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY ( AND NEVER BE FOUND… )

01/28/2018 My name is Javi. I’m 26. I’m considering killing myself. I think I was born wrong. Something got fucked up in the process. Everyone else was born with something they could give to the world and to others. Maybe they grew up to be good looking. Charming. Smart. Caring. A good thinker, a good […]

I CANNOT

I cannot connect with anyone. Not with my friends. Not with my family. Not with acquaintances and strangers and coworkers. I cannot absorb or receive anything from others. I cannot feel anything, except rage, resentment, suffering, grief, terror, panic. I am anticipating rejection always. I am anticipating loss always. I cannot think straight. I cannot […]

SO FΔR ΔWΔY

“I’m tired of being in love and being all alone.” I write to understand what happens inside of me. What lies within my heart. I’ve been alive for 26 years; it’s taken all of that time to discover the most basic understanding of my own self, my own thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs. I […]

EXISTENCE , III : HOPE

December 3, 2017. “You’re an interesting species. An interesting mix. You’re capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone. In all our searching, the only thing we’ve found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other.” -Carl Sagan, Contact Who are you? What are you […]

F Δ M I L Y

November 23, 2017. What does family mean to you? Today is Thanksgiving and I wanted to write about what it meant to me. This will be a shorter post than I’ve been sharing lately, but I hope it’ll be one that leaves you thinking about the nature of love, family, and friendship after reading it. […]

EXISTENCE, II : MILLENNIALS

November 5, 2017. “‘In the new century, everyone will be insane.’” It’s a line spoken in an early 90s play written by Tony Kushner called “Angels in America”. It’s the story of a group of gay young people coping with the AIDS crisis in 1985 New York City. The line is spoken by a homeless […]

Δ R K

October 29, 2017. “For a brief moment, I felt connected to the world in a way I never had before. It was the most profound feeling of comfort and sense of belonging that I could ever hope for.” This line brings me to the verge of tears every time I get to this moment of […]

U P C O M I N G , 10.24.2017//

October 24, 2017. This is going to be a “coming soon to theaters near you” kind of post… This blog is only a few days old as of the date of this post, and it’s been a godsend for me. These days are difficult. Writing helps, ALOT. This blog is primarily a diary of sorts. […]