I CANNOT

I cannot connect with anyone.

Not with my friends. Not with my family. Not with acquaintances and strangers and coworkers.

I cannot absorb or receive anything from others.

I cannot feel anything, except rage, resentment, suffering, grief, terror, panic.

I am anticipating rejection always.

I am anticipating loss always.

I cannot think straight.

I cannot love.

I cannot hear anything.

I cannot see.

I cannot intuit anything anymore. My senses are clogged with shit.

I cannot be alone.

I cannot be with others.

I cannot keep living this way, locked in.

I cannot understand myself, or anyone else, anymore.

I cannot sense the difference between the days anymore. They’re all the same.

I cannot feel pleasure or desire. I am flat, beige, coarse as sandpaper. I scratch everyone who comes close. There is nothing to me but the ugly, flat, blemished surface. Nothing exists here.

No one exists here.

I cannot be alone. I cannot be with others.

I don’t know what to do.

I cannot be alone. I cannot be with others.

I am on fire inside and out.

I cannot be alone. I cannot be with others.

I am screaming in agony but I don’t open my mouth.

I cannot be alone. I cannot be with others.

I don’t open my mouth to say anything anymore.

I cannot be alone. I cannot be with others.

I have absolutely nothing to say. There is nothing.

I cannot be alone. I cannot be with others.

I am tired tired tired. Tired of constantly explaining and never being understood by others.

I am so tired.

I just wanna go home.