October 22, 2017.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I am Javi. I am 25 years old, not tall, not short, struggle to grow a beard even tho my younger brother, two years younger, grows one with ease. I am queer, I am cisgender. I am deeply, suicidally depressed. Anxiety goes hand in hand with my particular kind of despair. I have acne scars on my face, it’s pockmarked like the moon, or so it seems to me. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. I think my teeth are stained and my face is ugly, and I don’t like my body, altho some girls  have commented every now and then about my arms.

Long, lean arms. So maybe I like my arms a little bit.

Also, my hugs. According to them, I give good hugs.

I have been working on my push-ups and sit-ups. My belly, very very skinny because I hardly eat because of the anxious nausea, has the softest six pack coming through.

My mom is from El Salvador. My dad is from Guatemala. I am the oldest of three siblings, a little brother and a little sister. I love them immensely. I think my family is the cornerstone of my universe. How do other people not get along with their siblings I wonder?

I like to swim. I like to draw. I like listening to music and watching movies, particularly music and movies that bring me to tears. I like Miyazaki movies and Lord of the Rings, and I like science fiction a lot. A little Alien, a little Blade Runner. Music-wise, I like a lot of stuff. The Smiths. Radiohead. Lil Uzi Vert. Big Sean. The Cure. Crystal Castles. Mother Mother, Mr.Kitty, Alice in Chains, The Weeknd, Gorillaz, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana. David Bowie. A little Metallica. I’m getting to know Pusha T.

I love my friends, the handful of friends I have. I’d like to think that I would do anything for the people I love; there’s evidence that proves me right, and there’s evidence that has proven me wrong before.

I would like to learn how to skateboard. Is that weird for a 25 year old to want to learn? I’d also like to learn how to surf. I’d like to bike more. I’d like to hike more. Being out in nature is very healing.

I would like to know who I am. Am I a real person? Do I even exist? Like for real?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Who are you?


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